What not to say

Okay, so I have avoided it long enough

in efforts to not be rude or hurt anyone's feelings.

However, I am now the one constantly

getting my feelings hurt or thinking that people

are being rude due to their comments.

I am trying to keep in mind that if you have not

gone through what Keith and I have gone

through the last year+, then you do

not fully grasp the confusion, frustration,

and ups and downs of the baby-making process.

I also understand that it is our human nature 

to want to "fix" things.

But I have kept my lips sealed long enough

and it is now time for....

Tif's Top 10 Things 

NOT  To Say 

To Someone Trying to Conceive

10. Just relax!

This phrase is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

Lots of people have told me this. 

I used to say, "I know, I know"

because I will admit I did live a very fast-paced life where we were

always busy.  Since being told by several doctors to "rest" I do 

feel that I have slowed my fast-paced life down.

But still no baby.

Now when people tell me to "Just relax"

I ask,
"How do I do that?"

Shocker alert: No one can give me an answer. 

So before you say this to me,

be prepared with some relaxation

techniques that actually work.

9. Everything will be fine.

While I understand that you are just trying to be optimistic,

I also question, "How do you know everything will be fine?"

"What does fine mean?"

Is your definition of fine different than mine?

Do you have a magic crystal ball that tells you I will be fine?

If so, can you please tell me on what date I will be fine?

If you can't answer these questions, don't tell me

I will be fine.

8. Don't worry, just have fun!

Obviously anyone who says this has not struggled with fertility.

We had fun when we first got married. 

We had fun when we bought our house.

We had fun 13 months ago.10 months ago.

But now this....this is not fun.

Charting your period, temperature, mucus, and ovulation to make sure

intercourse is timed just so, 

having your hopes and dreams crushed month after month,

staring at a pee stick that will not get a double line to save your life,

wondering what is wrong with you because you cannot

conceive

 IS.NOT.FUN.

7. At least you get to sleep.

Everyone who knows me knows that I love to sleep.

It is one of my favorite things to do in the whole wide world.

It just feels so good to get a good night's sleep.

If I could, I would have 10+ hours of sleep a night.

But would I give that all up to hold a crying infant

at 2 in the morning,

in a heartbeat.

6. You can always be the cool aunt.

While I love my role as the cool aunt,

the sound of someone calling you "mommy"

can't quite compare.

5. You know what you should do...

Again, I know you are trying to be a good friend and 

offer helpful advice, but let me be honest...

I spend MUCH of my time researching books, reading online blogs,

chatting with other women who have fertility problems.

I have tried many things aside from standing on my head.

So unless it's something incredibly new,

I've probably already tried it, read about it, or talked about it.

Let's move on.

4. "We got pregnant on the first try!", 

"We must be destined to have a ton of children!" 

"I didn't even want to get pregnant, it just happened."

While I am happy for you that you are not experiencing the pain that comes from 

having to "try" at getting pregnant, I also am not emotionally stable enough to listen to this.

You have been warned a head of time and I am not responsible for my outburst should

I have one. :)

Save these conversations for your other friends who have not had fertility issues.

3. Stop trying so hard.

I am still not sure that I am clear what this even means.

People have told us to have sex all the time.

Anyone who has done any research knows

that due to quality of the sperm this is not the best advice.

People have told us to just "get drunk" and have sex.

If I had a drink for every time someone said this,

I would be an alcoholic and you would need to commit me to AA.

Also, I have irregular cycles. I have always kept track of my

cycles since I started my period (many moons ago) because I never knew when they

were coming or going. So if they're telling me to stop charting, they need to think again.

2. I want to know how you are,

 but I don't want to ask and upset you.

I don't know how other people are, but I don't mind you asking how

I am feeling or if I am doing okay.

If I feel like telling you, I will.

If I don't feel like telling you, I won't.

But if you aren't asking, I'm just thinking that you don't care.

And that sucks.

1. You can adopt.

While I understand that there are (sadly) many many children out there that need loving homes,

Keith and I are not anywhere close to this point yet.

Would I consider it one day? Yes.

But you better believe I will do whatever I can to have a baby that has mine and Keith's DNA first.

This is not the simple solution.

It's not the best solution.

So please stop saying it.

There you have it folks!

Now go out and practice saying nice things to people trying to conceive.

Like, "I'm praying for you." 

"I'm thinking about you."

"Let me know if there is anything I can do."

See, now don't we all feel better?! :)