My dog is awesome :)

Oh, Mother's Day.

The week day where life

throws in your face that 

motherhood was not in your cards this year.

I remember sitting at our kitchen table last year

while our family was over for Mother's Day,

smiling about the little secret that Keith

and I shared that we would soon be

expanding our family.

My thoughts were consumed with the

idea that next year I would join

the ranks of being honored on Mother's Day.

Never did I imagine that a year later I would be sitting here

with the same wish for next year's Mother's Day.

Depressing, I know.

(You are probably wondering when this blog

will ever turn positive again, right?!)

One day, my faithful followers.

One day.

Today has not been all bad, though

(due in part mostly to the fact that I have

avoided Facebook all day today).

I just didn't think I could handle 

pictures of moms and their toddlers,

pictures of moms with their newborns,

pictures of moms with their baby bumps,

or pictures of sonograms where a new

mom announces her pregnancy

(you all know- or know of -at least one person who

probably announced a pregnancy today!).

Emotionally, physically, mentally-

I just couldn't handle it today.

I do have to give a shout out

to two FABULOUS mothers

that I had the opportunity of spending the 

day with today.

Keith and I are blessed to have two of the

best moms in the world.

They are our biggest cheerleaders,

give us advice, comfort us in times of sorrow,

make us laugh at the crazy things they do,

think about us often,

and love us unconditionally

(even though we make it hard sometimes!).

Thank you for being you!

Final shout out to the girl I am a mommy to,

my dog Maddy!

She is not just my dog, she is my first child.

Love this little pup to pieces and I don't know

what I would do without her.

Maddy has inspired today's quote:

Happy Mother's Day to all of the 

amazing moms out there!

Maybe next year I will be celebrating with you.

Find arms that will hold you at your weakest.

Today was a day that I was excited for, but also dreaded at the same time.

Today was the day that Keith and I started our first round of testing

to see if we could figure out why this whole baby making thing 

isn't working out too swell for us.

Before heading to the hospital,

I told Keith that I wasn't sure what I wanted my goal

to be for today (I know--such a teacher, right?!).

I felt like I wanted the doctors to find something so that we could 

fix it, solve the problem, and be holding a bundle of joy in no time.

But at the same time, you never want to hear that something is wrong with you...you know?!

Keith was up first today and we will find out his results

in 5 days 

(P.S.--This will be the longest 5 days EVER!).

Next up was yours truly.

The ultrasound was first and showed no problems.

I still couldn't decide if I was happy or sad about this.

Then, came the HSG test.

Ever since I found out I was having this test performed,

I youtubed and googled the heck out of this test.

I wanted to know exactly what to expect from

this oh-so-uncomfortable test.

Everything I read was right!

You know the saying,

"Quick and painless" ?

It's a pretty quick test, but definitely

not painless.

I hope to not have this test again

anytime soon.

Results from this test: everything normal.

Again, happy or sad about this?

After talking with Keith,

we have decided that we are happy with 

our results today.

It's nice to know that

"structurally" 

nothing is wrong so hopefully

whatever is causing our roadblock can be fixed

with a few drugs 

(Clomid anyone?!).

After we got home, I gave Keith a quick

kiss and thanked him for being with me today.

As if I didn't know he was a keeper already,

he then said this,

"Of course. Today was important."

For some reason these quick two

sentences made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

So many times I have felt alone in this journey.

Not for Keith's lack of trying to understand,

it's just different for men and women.

Keith inspired today's quote:

I am truly grateful for my husband.

There have been many days that I thought

he would pack up and leave because my crazy

train was in town.  

He has seen me at my weakest, ugliest, and worst

yet loves me anyway.

We will get through this together.

It just takes time.

Love,

T

When life knocks you down...

When I began this blog,

I always thought that it would be full of

positive events happening in our lives.

I never expected that the terrible

events would show up on here too.

I tried not to post about the devastating events,

hoping that the storm would pass and 

life would be sunshine again soon.

But the storm has not passed,

and I'm not sure when it will.

As I mentioned earlier this week,

December began a much rougher road

for our little family than we ever expected.

On December 8th, I had a miscarriage.

There. I said it.

It's out.

Here it is May 9th,

and I am just now able to talk about it openly 

(without too many tears welling up in my eyes).

.

In the beginning, I didn't want to talk about it.

I was embarrassed. 

I was sad. 

No, no, no...WAY beyond sad.

I felt worthless. I felt unworthy. 

I felt alone.

I felt angry. I felt defeated.

After deciding to take the plunge into parenthood

in the spring of 2012, Keith and I were ecstatic

about what our future held.

Now, all I was left with was a few 

positive pregnancy tests but no pregnancy.

I was angry.

Angry at myself. Angry at the world.

Angry at parents who treat their children

poorly but continue to have more children.

I was angry at everyone who was able to get pregnant

so easily. 

I was angry at people who were already pregnant and were

parading their annoyingly cute

little baby bumps in front of me. 

I was angry at the 9, YES 9!,

women who were pregnant at work.

I was angry at the people who were telling me we were trying too hard.

I was angry at the people who said, "Be patient: your time will come."

I was angry at the people who didn't know what to say to console me,

so they said absurd things that just made me more mad.

Sometimes I just wanted to shout,

"Stop it! You don't know what this is like!"

But, then again, I was angry at people who didn't ask
how I was doing. Didn't they care?
I think I was just angry.

In the past, I would hear about people having

miscarriages, and honestly, I was naive.

I would think,

"Why are they so upset? They didn't even 

get a chance to know that ball of cells."

Karma is a bitch!

Now I get it. Now I understand it.

I hate that it took me going through

this to understand that it's not just a baby

that's being lost.

It's all of your hopes and dreams

fading away so quickly from you

in an instant.

Why bring this all up today?

Well, because tomorrow Keith and I go for 

our first round of testing.

Keith will have one test;

and I will have two:

 an ultrasound and an HSG test.

We never expected for life to take us down this path.

But, here we are.

And this is all I have to say...

Prayers for us tomorrow!

T

Flying Turtles 2013

Today, Keith and 3 of his friends completed the Flying Pig Marathon Relay.

Take a look at our day:

Nothing like a 5 A.M. picture to get you rolling!

As the race was starting,
this beauty was in the sky

The sun was shining for a little while!

Thomas waited with us until Keith showed up

The turtles had lots of supporters!

6.84 miles later, Leonard arrives!

Loved seeing my Delta Gamma sister, Kathy!

I thought of this Delta Gamma sister this morning because

we were in the same corral together last year.

All of a sudden, she appeared right in front of me.

Fate!

Celebrating!

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Reunited

Turtle Power!

The next few pictures are of the fabulous moms who came to support their children!

Moms are their children's biggest cheerleaders!

I look forward to this role as my children's biggest cheerleader

someday too. :)

It was a rainy, cold day--

much different from the 85 degree temperatures

last year when Nicole & I completed the full marathon,

but still a VERY FUN day. :)

So proud of my hubby, his turtle team, and all who participated in Flying Pig events this weekend.

Everything is going to be alright...

I am not sure how many friends or family still continue to follow the blog due to my lack of writing lately.

I don't blame all of those who quit checking in; however, if you notice I have updated 

the background from the grey and red "December" snowflakes to a more chic look.

You know when I'm changing my background that I'm ready to write again. :)

Obviously I wrote in December that there was a lot going on in our lives, and I was ready and willing to 

share what was going on. I felt that the worst was behind us and I was confident enough to share what was going on.

Unfortunately, though, my last post was on December 3rd because 

after that point things just got worse. 

I have to say that I have not been my usual positive self due to all of the 

obstacles that have been put on our path.

Sure, I can put on a smile and---well to be frank, B.S. with the best of them--

but inside of me it's a dark, dark, place.

Thankfully I have a loving husband and a few good friends and family members 

who have been my rock.

Shout out to my husband, though, who has seen me at my worst.

I have yelled, cried, shut down, screamed, curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor,

melted down, broke down--

and through it all he has been there.

Thank goodness marriage is "for better or worse"

or that guy would have been gone a looonnnggg time ago!

For the past few months I have been searching for blogs and discussion boards 

that can help me cope with what I am going through.

Unfortunately, I haven't found the perfect one for me yet,

and that's okay.

All of this searching did give me the inspiration to start blogging about our 

journey because, I thought to myself,

"If I'm looking for a story like ours, then why don't I write ours?"

I don't have the time tonight to share everything going on, 

but over the next few months I plan to blog about this incredible

journey we are on.  

You may read the good, the bad, the ugly

but my hope is that not only will writing the story be an outlet for me

to help me cope with what has been going on,

but it may just help someone else too.

I end tonight with this...

All my love,

T

October Follow-Up Appointments

In October, I had my 3 month follow up appointments on what was going on with my 

Shingles/Lump under my arm.

I must say that at the time I felt like I had slowed my life down a lot.

Prior to the Shingles, I would get to work at 8, stay until 4:30, go for a run, eat dinner, and then grade papers until close to bedtime. This was pretty much my schedule Monday through Friday, 

and would include work on the weekends

(The to-do list for a teacher is never complete!).

From June until October, I tried to slow myself down.

I would get to work at 8, stay until 4:30, go for a run, eat dinner, 

and then grade papers until about 8:00.

(The to-do list for a teacher is never complete!)

I made an effort to be off of the computer altogether by

8:00 in order to get my brain shut down.

In October, I walked into my follow-up ultrasound 

feeling better than I had in months.

I still had a small, light colored rash on my side,

but it was not red and swollen like it was in June.

I definitely was proud of my progress and

was ready for good news.

The same ultrasound tech who did my ultrasound in June,

completed the scans and  reminded me again that she would take the

scans to the doctor on duty.

I was more than elated to see the tech 

walk back in moments later (without the doctor this time!).

Unfortunately she had some good news for me and some bad news.

Bad news:

The lump was still there.

(WHAT?! I could barely feel anything anymore!)

Good news:

It's a lot smaller than it was in June,

so that's a good sign,

but I am still not at 100%.

With strict doctor's orders, I have once again been told to 

"Slow Down!"

So I am trying to slow down even more than before.

Now, I get to work at 8:00, leave at 5 (yes, I know that it is a half an hour later than previously noted),

but I get all of my work done for the evening at school.

I no longer bring anything home.

Also, I try to run every other day in hopes that this will give my body some

extra rest that it is apparently craving.

I will follow up with my doctor's again in about 3 months.

We'll see how it goes!

Moral of the story:

Listen to your body.

If your body is telling you that you are tired, you probably are.

Don't be a superhero.

Some things can wait until tomorrow.

Where have we been?

Where in the world are Tiffany and Keith?

I have been receiving many phone calls and comments about not blogging since, um, well....

July.

My apologies!!

I have had a lot going on in my life lately (who doesn't right?!)

 that has required a doctor ordering me to "slow down" for me to actually give my body a break.

I have not blogged about my recent illnesses for many reasons.

One of the main reasons, unfortunately, is that I was embarrassed.

It was something I didn't want to talk about or wanted people to know about.

It wasn't until the past month or so that I really have come to terms with what is going on 

and have decided to talk about it.

Let's take a little flashback...

About two weeks after we came back from Vegas,

I had some terrible pains in my back on the left side.

I felt like I was being stung by bees.

Keith checked to see if a bee had stung me,

but there was no mark.

No sign of a sting.

After awhile, the pain subsided and I didn't think about it again.

On June 20th, the night after our 2nd anniversary catholic wedding,

I woke up with a rash covering my left side.

It wasn't terribly big, but it was painful.

I thought the dress that I had worn the night before

may have rubbed me the wrong way and left a mark.

Again, I didn't think anything about it.

On Monday, June 25th, I woke up with severe pain under my left arm.

I'm talking excruciating, can't lift your arm above your head, pain.

I went to the bathroom, slowly and carefully lifted my arm, and started

feeling around.

(Side note: For those who may not know, my grandmother passed away

from breast cancer in 2001.  I am a firm believer in monthly breast exams

on yourself! You are your best mammogram!)

To my horror, I found a lump.

Could this be true? 

Is this real?

Or is my brain playing tricks on me?

I am not going to lie--I usually stay calm in sticky situations--

but not this time!

I flipped out.

With a shaky voice,

I called my family doctor who was able to schedule me

an appointment later that day.

I hung up the phone, but needed verification that my brain was not playing tricks.

My mother-in-law, Lisa, is off on Mondays,

so I called her and asked her to come over.

I didn't say much, and didn't tell her why I needed her.

She walked through the door and I said, 

"You are about to get really personal with your daughter-in-law."

I had her feel under my arm and, fortunately or unfortunately (at the time I didn't know which),

she felt the lump that I was feeling.

Since Keith is one of the best husbands in the world,

he came home to drive me to my appointment.

At the appointment, my doctor also felt the lump,

but thought it was just a cyst.

Just to be safe,

she ordered an ultrasound to be completed

under my arm.

When I called the hospital to schedule the appointment,

they weren't able to fit me in until Thursday.

I immediately thought, "This is going to be a long week."

The next day (Tuesday),

I had a previously scheduled annual appointment with my

dermatologist.

During the examination, the doctor did not say anything

about the rash on my side.

Part of me was going to let him walk out the door and not say anything,

but the rash was now there for almost a week.

Shouldn't a rash from a dress rubbing have gone away by now?

I asked the doctor to take a look.

After a moment he said, 

"I think you have Shingles."

My first response was,

"Isn't that for old people?"

He informed me that younger people are getting Shingles 

these days due to high-stress lifestyles.

He proceeded to ask me if I had chicken pox

when I was younger?

I said, "Yes, when I was 8.  I don't 

remember it being a bad case though."

He told me that after you have the chicken pox, the virus lives in your

body and comes out again when something triggers it.

While the cause of what triggers it is not fully understood,

stress has been linked to the causes.

I left the office thinking,

"What the heck?!"

I didn't know anything about Shingles

except that my grandpa had it a few years ago.

I immediately went to one of my best friends--

Google--

to do some research. :)

As I was reading, I noticed that lymph nodes

can be swollen near the Shingles area.

Hmmm...Shingles on the left side and a

lump on the left side?

Connection?

On Thursday, I put my big girl pants on and went to 

the ultrasound appointment

by myself.

My impression was that I would have the ultrasound

but wouldn't find out the results that day.

As the technician is doing the ultrasound,

I asked if I could watch the screen 

(In my next life, I think I will be an x-ray or ultrasound tech,

 or maybe a flight attendant--but that's for another post!)

As I'm watching, she's taking many, MANY pictures.

I thought, "How can you take so many pictures of one lump?"

She then stated that she would let the doctor on duty

look at the pictures and she, or the doctor, would

return to speak to me.

 I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting,

for what seemed like FOREVER.

Then I hear a knock on the door and

the doctor walks in.

I immediately think,

"Oh no, this can't be good if the doctor

is coming to see me.

This can't be good news.

Why didn't I have someone drive me today?!"

The doctor said,

"The lump looks like a swollen lymph node.

Do you have an infection?"

I explained that I had just found out that I had Shingles.

He had the technician turn the machine

back on and scan under my arm pit and on my

left breast.

He said,

"This is why your arm was hurting.

You have many swollen lymph nodes.

Are you feeling all of these?"

I said that I didn't,

that I mainly just felt the large one.

Feeling like the lump was connected to the Shingles,

 they scheduled me to follow up

in 3 months.

Stay tuned for my next post about the follow-up appointments....