When life knocks you down...

When I began this blog,

I always thought that it would be full of

positive events happening in our lives.

I never expected that the terrible

events would show up on here too.

I tried not to post about the devastating events,

hoping that the storm would pass and 

life would be sunshine again soon.

But the storm has not passed,

and I'm not sure when it will.

As I mentioned earlier this week,

December began a much rougher road

for our little family than we ever expected.

On December 8th, I had a miscarriage.

There. I said it.

It's out.

Here it is May 9th,

and I am just now able to talk about it openly 

(without too many tears welling up in my eyes).

.

In the beginning, I didn't want to talk about it.

I was embarrassed. 

I was sad. 

No, no, no...WAY beyond sad.

I felt worthless. I felt unworthy. 

I felt alone.

I felt angry. I felt defeated.

After deciding to take the plunge into parenthood

in the spring of 2012, Keith and I were ecstatic

about what our future held.

Now, all I was left with was a few 

positive pregnancy tests but no pregnancy.

I was angry.

Angry at myself. Angry at the world.

Angry at parents who treat their children

poorly but continue to have more children.

I was angry at everyone who was able to get pregnant

so easily. 

I was angry at people who were already pregnant and were

parading their annoyingly cute

little baby bumps in front of me. 

I was angry at the 9, YES 9!,

women who were pregnant at work.

I was angry at the people who were telling me we were trying too hard.

I was angry at the people who said, "Be patient: your time will come."

I was angry at the people who didn't know what to say to console me,

so they said absurd things that just made me more mad.

Sometimes I just wanted to shout,

"Stop it! You don't know what this is like!"

But, then again, I was angry at people who didn't ask
how I was doing. Didn't they care?
I think I was just angry.

In the past, I would hear about people having

miscarriages, and honestly, I was naive.

I would think,

"Why are they so upset? They didn't even 

get a chance to know that ball of cells."

Karma is a bitch!

Now I get it. Now I understand it.

I hate that it took me going through

this to understand that it's not just a baby

that's being lost.

It's all of your hopes and dreams

fading away so quickly from you

in an instant.

Why bring this all up today?

Well, because tomorrow Keith and I go for 

our first round of testing.

Keith will have one test;

and I will have two:

 an ultrasound and an HSG test.

We never expected for life to take us down this path.

But, here we are.

And this is all I have to say...

Prayers for us tomorrow!

T