Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Back in March, my thoughtful friend Amy sent me this poem.  

I have read it over and over again because it gives me so much inspiration.

Thank you, Amy, for always thinking of me!

Thoughts on Becoming A Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, 

or money or that I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. 

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. 

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. 

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, 

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, 

yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, 

I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. 

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better,

 I can make it less lonely. 

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, 

of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

 I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

What not to say

Okay, so I have avoided it long enough

in efforts to not be rude or hurt anyone's feelings.

However, I am now the one constantly

getting my feelings hurt or thinking that people

are being rude due to their comments.

I am trying to keep in mind that if you have not

gone through what Keith and I have gone

through the last year+, then you do

not fully grasp the confusion, frustration,

and ups and downs of the baby-making process.

I also understand that it is our human nature 

to want to "fix" things.

But I have kept my lips sealed long enough

and it is now time for....

Tif's Top 10 Things 

NOT  To Say 

To Someone Trying to Conceive

10. Just relax!

This phrase is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

Lots of people have told me this. 

I used to say, "I know, I know"

because I will admit I did live a very fast-paced life where we were

always busy.  Since being told by several doctors to "rest" I do 

feel that I have slowed my fast-paced life down.

But still no baby.

Now when people tell me to "Just relax"

I ask,
"How do I do that?"

Shocker alert: No one can give me an answer. 

So before you say this to me,

be prepared with some relaxation

techniques that actually work.

9. Everything will be fine.

While I understand that you are just trying to be optimistic,

I also question, "How do you know everything will be fine?"

"What does fine mean?"

Is your definition of fine different than mine?

Do you have a magic crystal ball that tells you I will be fine?

If so, can you please tell me on what date I will be fine?

If you can't answer these questions, don't tell me

I will be fine.

8. Don't worry, just have fun!

Obviously anyone who says this has not struggled with fertility.

We had fun when we first got married. 

We had fun when we bought our house.

We had fun 13 months ago.10 months ago.

But now this....this is not fun.

Charting your period, temperature, mucus, and ovulation to make sure

intercourse is timed just so, 

having your hopes and dreams crushed month after month,

staring at a pee stick that will not get a double line to save your life,

wondering what is wrong with you because you cannot

conceive

 IS.NOT.FUN.

7. At least you get to sleep.

Everyone who knows me knows that I love to sleep.

It is one of my favorite things to do in the whole wide world.

It just feels so good to get a good night's sleep.

If I could, I would have 10+ hours of sleep a night.

But would I give that all up to hold a crying infant

at 2 in the morning,

in a heartbeat.

6. You can always be the cool aunt.

While I love my role as the cool aunt,

the sound of someone calling you "mommy"

can't quite compare.

5. You know what you should do...

Again, I know you are trying to be a good friend and 

offer helpful advice, but let me be honest...

I spend MUCH of my time researching books, reading online blogs,

chatting with other women who have fertility problems.

I have tried many things aside from standing on my head.

So unless it's something incredibly new,

I've probably already tried it, read about it, or talked about it.

Let's move on.

4. "We got pregnant on the first try!", 

"We must be destined to have a ton of children!" 

"I didn't even want to get pregnant, it just happened."

While I am happy for you that you are not experiencing the pain that comes from 

having to "try" at getting pregnant, I also am not emotionally stable enough to listen to this.

You have been warned a head of time and I am not responsible for my outburst should

I have one. :)

Save these conversations for your other friends who have not had fertility issues.

3. Stop trying so hard.

I am still not sure that I am clear what this even means.

People have told us to have sex all the time.

Anyone who has done any research knows

that due to quality of the sperm this is not the best advice.

People have told us to just "get drunk" and have sex.

If I had a drink for every time someone said this,

I would be an alcoholic and you would need to commit me to AA.

Also, I have irregular cycles. I have always kept track of my

cycles since I started my period (many moons ago) because I never knew when they

were coming or going. So if they're telling me to stop charting, they need to think again.

2. I want to know how you are,

 but I don't want to ask and upset you.

I don't know how other people are, but I don't mind you asking how

I am feeling or if I am doing okay.

If I feel like telling you, I will.

If I don't feel like telling you, I won't.

But if you aren't asking, I'm just thinking that you don't care.

And that sucks.

1. You can adopt.

While I understand that there are (sadly) many many children out there that need loving homes,

Keith and I are not anywhere close to this point yet.

Would I consider it one day? Yes.

But you better believe I will do whatever I can to have a baby that has mine and Keith's DNA first.

This is not the simple solution.

It's not the best solution.

So please stop saying it.

There you have it folks!

Now go out and practice saying nice things to people trying to conceive.

Like, "I'm praying for you." 

"I'm thinking about you."

"Let me know if there is anything I can do."

See, now don't we all feel better?! :)

Nashville Roadtrip

This weekend, Keith and I were lucky enough to take our annual
" Messerson Family Reunion"
with the Richardsons.
This tradition began in 2011 with our road trip
to St. Louis. Since then, we have been to Las Vegas and San Francisco
together.

We left Friday evening and spent the night catching up with Louisville friends.
Then Saturday morning we were up bright and early to begin our travels.
Check out how our trip went here:

A free slideshow design by Smilebox

Looking forward to our next family reunion!

Where will we go next?

This is what normal people do

Today, my friends,

I had to call the doctor again.

Two times this week!

Ugh!

I'm really not trying to be that annoying

patient that calls all the time.

Especially because I am a new patient

and that is probably even more annoying!

So, why did I call you ask?

Because...I am so confused!

Let me back track a little...

Disclaimer: There may be some TMI information to follow.

If you can't handle TMI, you may want to stop reading now. :)

So, on Saturday I started spotting.

This is nothing new for me.

I don't remember spotting being a part

of my life before birth control,

but it definitely is a part of my life now.

A large, annoying part of my life.

So, when I started spotting Saturday,

I was not really surprised.

By Tuesday, the spotting

had changed to more of a flow so

I contacted my doc and told her I started my period.

Hence, my post on Tuesday.

However, Tuesday evening and all day Wednesday,

there was barely anything.

Now, remember back to Tuesday's post

when I said that the doctor wanted me to start the Clomid on 

day 3 of my cycle?

Well, now I was perplexed because I wasn't sure if this was really my cycle or not?!

This type of activity down there was QUITE unusual for me.

Normally, it is a heavy, obnoxious flow.

I'm talking, severe, wake-me-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night,

make me want to pass out, cramps.

Flow that makes me think I'm going to have nothing left inside of me.

What was this light stuff???

When I woke up Thursday morning I was 100%

sure the heavy, obnoxious flow would return.

Nothing!

I took a pregnancy test just in case,

but that stupid thing was negative of course!

I thought I would let gravity set in and walk around 

for a bit (almost willing the period right out of me!).

Nothing.

By 10:00 or so, I couldn't take it any longer.

I called my doctor because I didn't want to screw 

anything up and take the Clomid when I wasn't supposed to.

When I talked to my doc 

(who returned my call rather quickly--

A+ from the teacher on that one!)

I apologized for bothering her once again this week.

Then, I asked her if the HSG test could have

messed with my cycle.

She said she had not heard of the HSG test

changing a cycle and said it sounded like it's just a really light cycle for me.

Maybe that HSG test did clear me out!

Will periods be like this from now on?!

I hope so!

I asked her, 

"Is this how normal people have periods?"

She laughed which made me happy for

interrupting her day once again this week.

She advised me to go ahead and take the Clomid today.

So here I go folks.

Tonight before bed that little white pill is mine.

On a happy note, my friend Savannah sent me

this in hopes of foreshadowing for my future.

For friends who don't know, I've already

decided that one day the nursery

will be designed with a giraffe theme.

Cute BAby Animal Video: Twin Baby Giraffes Born at Texas Wildlife Ranch | Video - ABC News

Happy Thursday!

Faith in His timing

Today, with much dismay,

I must report that my monthly 

visitor made her appearance.

I was very hopeful this month

after having the HSG test on May 10th that

this cycle would end with me dancing 

around the room with a positive pee stick in hand.

I have read many websites where mothers

have posted that they were very 

successful getting pregnant after the

HSG test because it "clears" you out.

Unfortunately, this was not the case with me.

I found this quote and found it appropriate:

I have read the above quote

over and over.

And over and over.

And over and over.

I have ALWAYS been a firm believer

 that everything happens for a reason,

and that God has perfect timing for each person

and situation in your life.

I am usually able to say,

"Oh that's why this happened

because this was supposed to happen."

It may not always happen right away,

but I can usually find the silver lining.

With the struggle that Keith and I have been through this year,

each month I would once again try to find the 

silver lining and think,
"Oh, I didn't want an August baby anyway because it's back to school time"

or

"A baby born around (insert holiday here) 

would be hard."

I have to admit, though,

after 16 cycles in 13 months,

it's getting pretty darn difficult to find a silver lining.

I hate to admit it,

but there have been many

times through this journey that 

I have questioned my faith.

I have questioned so many times

why some people get pregnant so easily,

but can't afford the time or the money for another child.

I have questioned why so many people

have unwanted pregnancies,

but the people who want a pregnancy most

in the world, can't have it.

I have questioned why bad things happen to good people.

These are the times that I find it difficult to pray,

but then realize that this is when I need to pray the hardest.

I need to pray for myself that I can be strong enough to live this life I have graciously been given.

I need to pray for my husband who is going through this journey as well and no one asks him how he's coping

(not that he'll give you much of an answer if you ask because Keith is a man of few words).

I need to pray for my family who is wishing for a precious baby just as much as we are.

I need to pray for my friends that they bear with me through

my socially withdrawn stage.

I need to pray for my future little baby that one day he or she will know how much we loved and adored him/her, even before they were born.

Where do we go from here?

The doctor has prescribed me Clomid.

I will take this from day 3 through 7 of my cycle.

I will go for an ultrasound on June 10th to see if I

am ovulating.

As much as I am happy about a doctor who is 

moving us in the right direction,

I am saddened by the idea that Keith

and I need help with this endeavor.

Anyone who has known me long enough

knows that I do not like to ask for help.

There is something about the magic 

of getting pregnant without trying or

help that I feel that I'm missing out on.

But I must keep the end in sight;

when I am holding that beautiful little baby,

the journey will be but a distant memory.

oh, the places you'll go!

After a fun day cheering on our Cincinnati Reds

and then devouring some delicious Montgomery Inn,

I sit here at my computer with a happy heart
(and a full belly!).

My heart is so happy because I am officially

on summer break! 

Friday was our last day of school until August,

and I couldn't bring on the restful vacation

quick enough.

On Friday, I read Oh, The Places You'll Go!

by Dr. Seuss to my students.

I have probably read this story 339 times before,

but reading it on Friday brought on new meaning for me.

Dr. Seuss definitely knew what he was doing when he

wrote this story because it covers the ups and downs

of life.

If you have not read the story, or maybe haven't read it in awhile,

it starts off, 

"Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!"

I have had so many wonderful and exciting adventures just in my short 29 years of life (yes--I am calling that short!).

From graduating Valedictorian of my high school class,

to joining the best sorority and all of its fun opportunities,

finding and marrying the love of my life,

to graduating from my favorite college, and 

beginning my career doing what I love.

I traveled to so many beautiful places

in my journey along the way.

"You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sights!

You'll join the high fliers

who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest."

I can say that for the most part, I am happy

with my decisions I have made in life.

Of course there were some mistakes along the way,

but mistakes are what teach you lessons, right?

I feel that most of my life has been spent a happy,

optimistic person.

"Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so

but, sadly, it's true

that Bang-ups

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up 

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

is not easily done."

When I read this page, it almost took my breath

away because I realized this page of the 

book is talking about my current situation in life.

At this moment, no matter what successful things

are happening in my life (and I realize there are some)

my whole focus is on the fact that I am failing at becoming

a mother. Keith's tests have come back normal so obviously

the problem is with me.

And if you know me, you know that I am a perfectionist.

I do not, I repeat, do not, like having something wrong

and not being able to fix it.

So here I sit in my slump,

while people daily are announcing pregnancies or talking

about their upcoming pregnancy.

People are moving on with their lives and here I sit.

Waiting.

"You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly their darked.

A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose? How much can you win?...

...You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place..."

Eeks! Did I just say I was sitting here waiting?

Oh no! I did!

I am in the Waiting Place.

The place where I don't know what the next step

is in this whole fertility journey.

What does my future hold?

(Crystal ball where are you?!)

The place where I often feel alone and

where I want to be excited for others when they have fantastic news to share,

but for some reason the light inside

of me is shining a lot less brighter these days.

I do not feel as though I have been an optimal 

wife, friend, daughter, sister, teacher.

This is not the place I want to be.

But how do I get out?

This situation is out of my control.

"No!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places

where Boom Bands are playing."

Was Dr. Seuss reading my brain when he wrote this page?

He's right, somehow I will escape this.

Somehow I will overcome this.

Somehow I will be better than this.

"On and on you will hike.

And I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are."

Yes! Yes, I can do this.

I don't know the reason yet

for being taken down this 

rocky road. But I will

learn a lesson from it,

and I will be stronger for it.

"And will you succeed?

Yes! You, will indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS."

This is the biggest mountain I have

faced so far in my life.

Things have definitely not come easy for me,

but, this obstacle is physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally

putting me to the test

(remember that marathon journey last year--

yeah this is way harder than that!).

I don't know why.

I don't understand why.

I may never know why.

But I MUST overcome this,

and I will.

A best friend

I will start out today by spending some much

needed time talking about my friend

Savannah.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do

without this girl.

The quote above absolutely says it best.

She knows absolutely EVERYTHING

about me (even the TMI information)

and continues to be my friend anyway.

She has been with me for happy times...

She was a bridesmaid in our wedding in 2010

for fun times...

A Bachelorette Party in 2011

for traveling times...

At Gilly's bar in Las Vegas 2012

for butt-kicking times...

San Francisco Nike Women's Half Marathon 2012

...and for my weakest times.

Savannah is constantly calling, texting,

sending cards and gifts to show

her love for me.

Her most recent gift appeared at my door

on May 6, 2013.

I have to admit that this was a rough day

for me because that monthly visitor again

showed up to dash away any hopes

of Keith and I getting pregnant on our own.

From here on out, medical drugs and procedures

will have to be used to make us work. UGH!

So when I walked up my steps and found this

I was extremely excited and couldn't

wait to open my gift the next day.

At 6:30 A.M. on May 7th,

I quickly ran down the stairs

to open this fabulous package.

I was like a kid on Christmas! 

When I first opened the package

I saw this

Happy Half Birthday!

My first thought was to shut

the box because I am in denial

that a certain birthday that starts

with a 3 and ends with a 0 is coming

in November.

But I thought about my wonderful friend,

Savannah, and knew she wouldn't

torment me this way.

So I continued opening the box,

and inside were individually wrapped items.

(Maddy wanted to model them all for you!)

A sweet card from a sweet friend

Date night with alcohol and deli meat!

A blog post she had found about a
woman struggling with fertility

A book about fertility that makes me giggle
 every time I read it!

Daily inspiration

My wish for everyone reading this blog

is that they find a true friend like

Savannah. 

Someone that will always

be there for you, even when you are the 

least lovable.

Savannah, I hope I can be just

as good of a friend to you 

as you are to me!

LITB and more!