Weekend Update

I haven't given you an update on us lately, so I thought I would sit down

tonight and talk to you.

The last I had told you was that I was going in for an ultrasound June 10 

to find out if the Clomid was working or not.

The appointment went great!

I mean, it really couldn't have gone better.

What my doc was looking for was follicles

between the range of 18-23 millimeters.

She found 5 good sized follicles, 

but the three (yes three!!!)

best follicles being 18 mm, 21 mm, and 22 mm in size.

She reminded me of the possibility of multiples

since there were three follicles ready to pop.

(My mind immediately went to the idea of Keith

and I having triplets! Why did the idea excite me more than

I knew it would excite Keith?! :)   )

She also checked my uterine lining which is supposed to

be above 7 mm for optimum implantation.

I was at 11 mm!

I left the office feeling on top of the world.

This was it.

This was our month.

So many great things happen in the month of June:

swimming, soaking up the sun, our anniversary, 

the start of summer...

and I thought FOR SURE we'd be adding a little

baby Messer to the mix.

I waited and begged prayed for a baby this month,

but to our dismay we find ourselves at the end 

of another month with empty dreams.

This is when I realize that as much as I want to believe

in the science behind it all, it's not science at work.

It's God, and my hope is that his plan

for me is greater than the one I have for myself.

I end tonight with this, because it pretty much

sums up my weekend:

Let's see what next month has in store for us!

P.S.--I can't get my blog description "Keith & Tiffany...." above to change colors,

even after I have gone to advanced settings, blog description, change color.

Anyone else have any ideas???

Bless the Broken Road

Three years ago today, this was happening...

We said "I do."

Two of the most important words I have

ever said in my entire life

(besides "Yes!" of course :)  ).

As I sat down to write this post,

I wanted it to be focused on us

and our amazing relationship,

not on our fertility journey.

So I brought up the lyrics to our wedding song,

"Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts,

and was ready to type how appropriate this

song was to Keith and I meeting.

But as I sat down to write it,

reading the lyrics over and over again,

I thought, 

"Oh man, this song describes our fertility journey, too."

Who would have known back in 2004 when Keith and I decided this was our song
 that it would have more than one meaning for us?

So I would type a little, and then delete...

thinking 

"No, no, no, I do not want this to be about our path to a baby."

So I would try to type again, and delete, delete, delete.

I sat here for an hour, writing and deleting.

Finally I realized, I just need to write.

In year three of our marriage,

this is us. This is what's happening to us.

This is what's making our relationship stronger.

I love Keith more today than I have ever loved him

because he has seen me at my lowest of lows and

still loves me. 

So, here's our wedding song.

See if you understand what I'm saying...

After reading and hearing these lyrics again,

I am actually not sad,

but full of inspiration.

I remember the days when I would cry and cry, thinking

 I would never find true love. 

I would meet someone new,

have my hopes up that this one would be the one,

and end up heart broken once again.

Somehow, some way, I always found

a way to pick myself right back up and try again.

Each person I met, taught me something new.

I think this is very much like our baby journey.

There have been so many days where I have cried,

thinking I will never be a mother.

But each month I learn something new about myself,

about Keith, about our relationship,

and am hopeful that all of these struggles

are pointing us in the direction of our future Baby Messer.

I don't understand it now,

 just like I didn't understand it then,

"but it's all part of a grander plan,

that is coming true..."

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Back in March, my thoughtful friend Amy sent me this poem.  

I have read it over and over again because it gives me so much inspiration.

Thank you, Amy, for always thinking of me!

Thoughts on Becoming A Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, 

or money or that I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. 

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. 

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. 

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, 

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, 

yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, 

I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. 

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better,

 I can make it less lonely. 

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, 

of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

 I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

What not to say

Okay, so I have avoided it long enough

in efforts to not be rude or hurt anyone's feelings.

However, I am now the one constantly

getting my feelings hurt or thinking that people

are being rude due to their comments.

I am trying to keep in mind that if you have not

gone through what Keith and I have gone

through the last year+, then you do

not fully grasp the confusion, frustration,

and ups and downs of the baby-making process.

I also understand that it is our human nature 

to want to "fix" things.

But I have kept my lips sealed long enough

and it is now time for....

Tif's Top 10 Things 

NOT  To Say 

To Someone Trying to Conceive

10. Just relax!

This phrase is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

Lots of people have told me this. 

I used to say, "I know, I know"

because I will admit I did live a very fast-paced life where we were

always busy.  Since being told by several doctors to "rest" I do 

feel that I have slowed my fast-paced life down.

But still no baby.

Now when people tell me to "Just relax"

I ask,
"How do I do that?"

Shocker alert: No one can give me an answer. 

So before you say this to me,

be prepared with some relaxation

techniques that actually work.

9. Everything will be fine.

While I understand that you are just trying to be optimistic,

I also question, "How do you know everything will be fine?"

"What does fine mean?"

Is your definition of fine different than mine?

Do you have a magic crystal ball that tells you I will be fine?

If so, can you please tell me on what date I will be fine?

If you can't answer these questions, don't tell me

I will be fine.

8. Don't worry, just have fun!

Obviously anyone who says this has not struggled with fertility.

We had fun when we first got married. 

We had fun when we bought our house.

We had fun 13 months ago.10 months ago.

But now this....this is not fun.

Charting your period, temperature, mucus, and ovulation to make sure

intercourse is timed just so, 

having your hopes and dreams crushed month after month,

staring at a pee stick that will not get a double line to save your life,

wondering what is wrong with you because you cannot

conceive

 IS.NOT.FUN.

7. At least you get to sleep.

Everyone who knows me knows that I love to sleep.

It is one of my favorite things to do in the whole wide world.

It just feels so good to get a good night's sleep.

If I could, I would have 10+ hours of sleep a night.

But would I give that all up to hold a crying infant

at 2 in the morning,

in a heartbeat.

6. You can always be the cool aunt.

While I love my role as the cool aunt,

the sound of someone calling you "mommy"

can't quite compare.

5. You know what you should do...

Again, I know you are trying to be a good friend and 

offer helpful advice, but let me be honest...

I spend MUCH of my time researching books, reading online blogs,

chatting with other women who have fertility problems.

I have tried many things aside from standing on my head.

So unless it's something incredibly new,

I've probably already tried it, read about it, or talked about it.

Let's move on.

4. "We got pregnant on the first try!", 

"We must be destined to have a ton of children!" 

"I didn't even want to get pregnant, it just happened."

While I am happy for you that you are not experiencing the pain that comes from 

having to "try" at getting pregnant, I also am not emotionally stable enough to listen to this.

You have been warned a head of time and I am not responsible for my outburst should

I have one. :)

Save these conversations for your other friends who have not had fertility issues.

3. Stop trying so hard.

I am still not sure that I am clear what this even means.

People have told us to have sex all the time.

Anyone who has done any research knows

that due to quality of the sperm this is not the best advice.

People have told us to just "get drunk" and have sex.

If I had a drink for every time someone said this,

I would be an alcoholic and you would need to commit me to AA.

Also, I have irregular cycles. I have always kept track of my

cycles since I started my period (many moons ago) because I never knew when they

were coming or going. So if they're telling me to stop charting, they need to think again.

2. I want to know how you are,

 but I don't want to ask and upset you.

I don't know how other people are, but I don't mind you asking how

I am feeling or if I am doing okay.

If I feel like telling you, I will.

If I don't feel like telling you, I won't.

But if you aren't asking, I'm just thinking that you don't care.

And that sucks.

1. You can adopt.

While I understand that there are (sadly) many many children out there that need loving homes,

Keith and I are not anywhere close to this point yet.

Would I consider it one day? Yes.

But you better believe I will do whatever I can to have a baby that has mine and Keith's DNA first.

This is not the simple solution.

It's not the best solution.

So please stop saying it.

There you have it folks!

Now go out and practice saying nice things to people trying to conceive.

Like, "I'm praying for you." 

"I'm thinking about you."

"Let me know if there is anything I can do."

See, now don't we all feel better?! :)

Nashville Roadtrip

This weekend, Keith and I were lucky enough to take our annual
" Messerson Family Reunion"
with the Richardsons.
This tradition began in 2011 with our road trip
to St. Louis. Since then, we have been to Las Vegas and San Francisco
together.

We left Friday evening and spent the night catching up with Louisville friends.
Then Saturday morning we were up bright and early to begin our travels.
Check out how our trip went here:

A free slideshow design by Smilebox

Looking forward to our next family reunion!

Where will we go next?

This is what normal people do

Today, my friends,

I had to call the doctor again.

Two times this week!

Ugh!

I'm really not trying to be that annoying

patient that calls all the time.

Especially because I am a new patient

and that is probably even more annoying!

So, why did I call you ask?

Because...I am so confused!

Let me back track a little...

Disclaimer: There may be some TMI information to follow.

If you can't handle TMI, you may want to stop reading now. :)

So, on Saturday I started spotting.

This is nothing new for me.

I don't remember spotting being a part

of my life before birth control,

but it definitely is a part of my life now.

A large, annoying part of my life.

So, when I started spotting Saturday,

I was not really surprised.

By Tuesday, the spotting

had changed to more of a flow so

I contacted my doc and told her I started my period.

Hence, my post on Tuesday.

However, Tuesday evening and all day Wednesday,

there was barely anything.

Now, remember back to Tuesday's post

when I said that the doctor wanted me to start the Clomid on 

day 3 of my cycle?

Well, now I was perplexed because I wasn't sure if this was really my cycle or not?!

This type of activity down there was QUITE unusual for me.

Normally, it is a heavy, obnoxious flow.

I'm talking, severe, wake-me-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night,

make me want to pass out, cramps.

Flow that makes me think I'm going to have nothing left inside of me.

What was this light stuff???

When I woke up Thursday morning I was 100%

sure the heavy, obnoxious flow would return.

Nothing!

I took a pregnancy test just in case,

but that stupid thing was negative of course!

I thought I would let gravity set in and walk around 

for a bit (almost willing the period right out of me!).

Nothing.

By 10:00 or so, I couldn't take it any longer.

I called my doctor because I didn't want to screw 

anything up and take the Clomid when I wasn't supposed to.

When I talked to my doc 

(who returned my call rather quickly--

A+ from the teacher on that one!)

I apologized for bothering her once again this week.

Then, I asked her if the HSG test could have

messed with my cycle.

She said she had not heard of the HSG test

changing a cycle and said it sounded like it's just a really light cycle for me.

Maybe that HSG test did clear me out!

Will periods be like this from now on?!

I hope so!

I asked her, 

"Is this how normal people have periods?"

She laughed which made me happy for

interrupting her day once again this week.

She advised me to go ahead and take the Clomid today.

So here I go folks.

Tonight before bed that little white pill is mine.

On a happy note, my friend Savannah sent me

this in hopes of foreshadowing for my future.

For friends who don't know, I've already

decided that one day the nursery

will be designed with a giraffe theme.

Cute BAby Animal Video: Twin Baby Giraffes Born at Texas Wildlife Ranch | Video - ABC News

Happy Thursday!

Faith in His timing

Today, with much dismay,

I must report that my monthly 

visitor made her appearance.

I was very hopeful this month

after having the HSG test on May 10th that

this cycle would end with me dancing 

around the room with a positive pee stick in hand.

I have read many websites where mothers

have posted that they were very 

successful getting pregnant after the

HSG test because it "clears" you out.

Unfortunately, this was not the case with me.

I found this quote and found it appropriate:

I have read the above quote

over and over.

And over and over.

And over and over.

I have ALWAYS been a firm believer

 that everything happens for a reason,

and that God has perfect timing for each person

and situation in your life.

I am usually able to say,

"Oh that's why this happened

because this was supposed to happen."

It may not always happen right away,

but I can usually find the silver lining.

With the struggle that Keith and I have been through this year,

each month I would once again try to find the 

silver lining and think,
"Oh, I didn't want an August baby anyway because it's back to school time"

or

"A baby born around (insert holiday here) 

would be hard."

I have to admit, though,

after 16 cycles in 13 months,

it's getting pretty darn difficult to find a silver lining.

I hate to admit it,

but there have been many

times through this journey that 

I have questioned my faith.

I have questioned so many times

why some people get pregnant so easily,

but can't afford the time or the money for another child.

I have questioned why so many people

have unwanted pregnancies,

but the people who want a pregnancy most

in the world, can't have it.

I have questioned why bad things happen to good people.

These are the times that I find it difficult to pray,

but then realize that this is when I need to pray the hardest.

I need to pray for myself that I can be strong enough to live this life I have graciously been given.

I need to pray for my husband who is going through this journey as well and no one asks him how he's coping

(not that he'll give you much of an answer if you ask because Keith is a man of few words).

I need to pray for my family who is wishing for a precious baby just as much as we are.

I need to pray for my friends that they bear with me through

my socially withdrawn stage.

I need to pray for my future little baby that one day he or she will know how much we loved and adored him/her, even before they were born.

Where do we go from here?

The doctor has prescribed me Clomid.

I will take this from day 3 through 7 of my cycle.

I will go for an ultrasound on June 10th to see if I

am ovulating.

As much as I am happy about a doctor who is 

moving us in the right direction,

I am saddened by the idea that Keith

and I need help with this endeavor.

Anyone who has known me long enough

knows that I do not like to ask for help.

There is something about the magic 

of getting pregnant without trying or

help that I feel that I'm missing out on.

But I must keep the end in sight;

when I am holding that beautiful little baby,

the journey will be but a distant memory.