This is what normal people do

Today, my friends,

I had to call the doctor again.

Two times this week!

Ugh!

I'm really not trying to be that annoying

patient that calls all the time.

Especially because I am a new patient

and that is probably even more annoying!

So, why did I call you ask?

Because...I am so confused!

Let me back track a little...

Disclaimer: There may be some TMI information to follow.

If you can't handle TMI, you may want to stop reading now. :)

So, on Saturday I started spotting.

This is nothing new for me.

I don't remember spotting being a part

of my life before birth control,

but it definitely is a part of my life now.

A large, annoying part of my life.

So, when I started spotting Saturday,

I was not really surprised.

By Tuesday, the spotting

had changed to more of a flow so

I contacted my doc and told her I started my period.

Hence, my post on Tuesday.

However, Tuesday evening and all day Wednesday,

there was barely anything.

Now, remember back to Tuesday's post

when I said that the doctor wanted me to start the Clomid on 

day 3 of my cycle?

Well, now I was perplexed because I wasn't sure if this was really my cycle or not?!

This type of activity down there was QUITE unusual for me.

Normally, it is a heavy, obnoxious flow.

I'm talking, severe, wake-me-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night,

make me want to pass out, cramps.

Flow that makes me think I'm going to have nothing left inside of me.

What was this light stuff???

When I woke up Thursday morning I was 100%

sure the heavy, obnoxious flow would return.

Nothing!

I took a pregnancy test just in case,

but that stupid thing was negative of course!

I thought I would let gravity set in and walk around 

for a bit (almost willing the period right out of me!).

Nothing.

By 10:00 or so, I couldn't take it any longer.

I called my doctor because I didn't want to screw 

anything up and take the Clomid when I wasn't supposed to.

When I talked to my doc 

(who returned my call rather quickly--

A+ from the teacher on that one!)

I apologized for bothering her once again this week.

Then, I asked her if the HSG test could have

messed with my cycle.

She said she had not heard of the HSG test

changing a cycle and said it sounded like it's just a really light cycle for me.

Maybe that HSG test did clear me out!

Will periods be like this from now on?!

I hope so!

I asked her, 

"Is this how normal people have periods?"

She laughed which made me happy for

interrupting her day once again this week.

She advised me to go ahead and take the Clomid today.

So here I go folks.

Tonight before bed that little white pill is mine.

On a happy note, my friend Savannah sent me

this in hopes of foreshadowing for my future.

For friends who don't know, I've already

decided that one day the nursery

will be designed with a giraffe theme.

Cute BAby Animal Video: Twin Baby Giraffes Born at Texas Wildlife Ranch | Video - ABC News

Happy Thursday!

Faith in His timing

Today, with much dismay,

I must report that my monthly 

visitor made her appearance.

I was very hopeful this month

after having the HSG test on May 10th that

this cycle would end with me dancing 

around the room with a positive pee stick in hand.

I have read many websites where mothers

have posted that they were very 

successful getting pregnant after the

HSG test because it "clears" you out.

Unfortunately, this was not the case with me.

I found this quote and found it appropriate:

I have read the above quote

over and over.

And over and over.

And over and over.

I have ALWAYS been a firm believer

 that everything happens for a reason,

and that God has perfect timing for each person

and situation in your life.

I am usually able to say,

"Oh that's why this happened

because this was supposed to happen."

It may not always happen right away,

but I can usually find the silver lining.

With the struggle that Keith and I have been through this year,

each month I would once again try to find the 

silver lining and think,
"Oh, I didn't want an August baby anyway because it's back to school time"

or

"A baby born around (insert holiday here) 

would be hard."

I have to admit, though,

after 16 cycles in 13 months,

it's getting pretty darn difficult to find a silver lining.

I hate to admit it,

but there have been many

times through this journey that 

I have questioned my faith.

I have questioned so many times

why some people get pregnant so easily,

but can't afford the time or the money for another child.

I have questioned why so many people

have unwanted pregnancies,

but the people who want a pregnancy most

in the world, can't have it.

I have questioned why bad things happen to good people.

These are the times that I find it difficult to pray,

but then realize that this is when I need to pray the hardest.

I need to pray for myself that I can be strong enough to live this life I have graciously been given.

I need to pray for my husband who is going through this journey as well and no one asks him how he's coping

(not that he'll give you much of an answer if you ask because Keith is a man of few words).

I need to pray for my family who is wishing for a precious baby just as much as we are.

I need to pray for my friends that they bear with me through

my socially withdrawn stage.

I need to pray for my future little baby that one day he or she will know how much we loved and adored him/her, even before they were born.

Where do we go from here?

The doctor has prescribed me Clomid.

I will take this from day 3 through 7 of my cycle.

I will go for an ultrasound on June 10th to see if I

am ovulating.

As much as I am happy about a doctor who is 

moving us in the right direction,

I am saddened by the idea that Keith

and I need help with this endeavor.

Anyone who has known me long enough

knows that I do not like to ask for help.

There is something about the magic 

of getting pregnant without trying or

help that I feel that I'm missing out on.

But I must keep the end in sight;

when I am holding that beautiful little baby,

the journey will be but a distant memory.

oh, the places you'll go!

After a fun day cheering on our Cincinnati Reds

and then devouring some delicious Montgomery Inn,

I sit here at my computer with a happy heart
(and a full belly!).

My heart is so happy because I am officially

on summer break! 

Friday was our last day of school until August,

and I couldn't bring on the restful vacation

quick enough.

On Friday, I read Oh, The Places You'll Go!

by Dr. Seuss to my students.

I have probably read this story 339 times before,

but reading it on Friday brought on new meaning for me.

Dr. Seuss definitely knew what he was doing when he

wrote this story because it covers the ups and downs

of life.

If you have not read the story, or maybe haven't read it in awhile,

it starts off, 

"Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!"

I have had so many wonderful and exciting adventures just in my short 29 years of life (yes--I am calling that short!).

From graduating Valedictorian of my high school class,

to joining the best sorority and all of its fun opportunities,

finding and marrying the love of my life,

to graduating from my favorite college, and 

beginning my career doing what I love.

I traveled to so many beautiful places

in my journey along the way.

"You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sights!

You'll join the high fliers

who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest."

I can say that for the most part, I am happy

with my decisions I have made in life.

Of course there were some mistakes along the way,

but mistakes are what teach you lessons, right?

I feel that most of my life has been spent a happy,

optimistic person.

"Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so

but, sadly, it's true

that Bang-ups

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up 

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

is not easily done."

When I read this page, it almost took my breath

away because I realized this page of the 

book is talking about my current situation in life.

At this moment, no matter what successful things

are happening in my life (and I realize there are some)

my whole focus is on the fact that I am failing at becoming

a mother. Keith's tests have come back normal so obviously

the problem is with me.

And if you know me, you know that I am a perfectionist.

I do not, I repeat, do not, like having something wrong

and not being able to fix it.

So here I sit in my slump,

while people daily are announcing pregnancies or talking

about their upcoming pregnancy.

People are moving on with their lives and here I sit.

Waiting.

"You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly their darked.

A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose? How much can you win?...

...You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place..."

Eeks! Did I just say I was sitting here waiting?

Oh no! I did!

I am in the Waiting Place.

The place where I don't know what the next step

is in this whole fertility journey.

What does my future hold?

(Crystal ball where are you?!)

The place where I often feel alone and

where I want to be excited for others when they have fantastic news to share,

but for some reason the light inside

of me is shining a lot less brighter these days.

I do not feel as though I have been an optimal 

wife, friend, daughter, sister, teacher.

This is not the place I want to be.

But how do I get out?

This situation is out of my control.

"No!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places

where Boom Bands are playing."

Was Dr. Seuss reading my brain when he wrote this page?

He's right, somehow I will escape this.

Somehow I will overcome this.

Somehow I will be better than this.

"On and on you will hike.

And I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are."

Yes! Yes, I can do this.

I don't know the reason yet

for being taken down this 

rocky road. But I will

learn a lesson from it,

and I will be stronger for it.

"And will you succeed?

Yes! You, will indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS."

This is the biggest mountain I have

faced so far in my life.

Things have definitely not come easy for me,

but, this obstacle is physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally

putting me to the test

(remember that marathon journey last year--

yeah this is way harder than that!).

I don't know why.

I don't understand why.

I may never know why.

But I MUST overcome this,

and I will.

A best friend

I will start out today by spending some much

needed time talking about my friend

Savannah.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do

without this girl.

The quote above absolutely says it best.

She knows absolutely EVERYTHING

about me (even the TMI information)

and continues to be my friend anyway.

She has been with me for happy times...

She was a bridesmaid in our wedding in 2010

for fun times...

A Bachelorette Party in 2011

for traveling times...

At Gilly's bar in Las Vegas 2012

for butt-kicking times...

San Francisco Nike Women's Half Marathon 2012

...and for my weakest times.

Savannah is constantly calling, texting,

sending cards and gifts to show

her love for me.

Her most recent gift appeared at my door

on May 6, 2013.

I have to admit that this was a rough day

for me because that monthly visitor again

showed up to dash away any hopes

of Keith and I getting pregnant on our own.

From here on out, medical drugs and procedures

will have to be used to make us work. UGH!

So when I walked up my steps and found this

I was extremely excited and couldn't

wait to open my gift the next day.

At 6:30 A.M. on May 7th,

I quickly ran down the stairs

to open this fabulous package.

I was like a kid on Christmas! 

When I first opened the package

I saw this

Happy Half Birthday!

My first thought was to shut

the box because I am in denial

that a certain birthday that starts

with a 3 and ends with a 0 is coming

in November.

But I thought about my wonderful friend,

Savannah, and knew she wouldn't

torment me this way.

So I continued opening the box,

and inside were individually wrapped items.

(Maddy wanted to model them all for you!)

A sweet card from a sweet friend

Date night with alcohol and deli meat!

A blog post she had found about a
woman struggling with fertility

A book about fertility that makes me giggle
 every time I read it!

Daily inspiration

My wish for everyone reading this blog

is that they find a true friend like

Savannah. 

Someone that will always

be there for you, even when you are the 

least lovable.

Savannah, I hope I can be just

as good of a friend to you 

as you are to me!

LITB and more!

My dog is awesome :)

Oh, Mother's Day.

The week day where life

throws in your face that 

motherhood was not in your cards this year.

I remember sitting at our kitchen table last year

while our family was over for Mother's Day,

smiling about the little secret that Keith

and I shared that we would soon be

expanding our family.

My thoughts were consumed with the

idea that next year I would join

the ranks of being honored on Mother's Day.

Never did I imagine that a year later I would be sitting here

with the same wish for next year's Mother's Day.

Depressing, I know.

(You are probably wondering when this blog

will ever turn positive again, right?!)

One day, my faithful followers.

One day.

Today has not been all bad, though

(due in part mostly to the fact that I have

avoided Facebook all day today).

I just didn't think I could handle 

pictures of moms and their toddlers,

pictures of moms with their newborns,

pictures of moms with their baby bumps,

or pictures of sonograms where a new

mom announces her pregnancy

(you all know- or know of -at least one person who

probably announced a pregnancy today!).

Emotionally, physically, mentally-

I just couldn't handle it today.

I do have to give a shout out

to two FABULOUS mothers

that I had the opportunity of spending the 

day with today.

Keith and I are blessed to have two of the

best moms in the world.

They are our biggest cheerleaders,

give us advice, comfort us in times of sorrow,

make us laugh at the crazy things they do,

think about us often,

and love us unconditionally

(even though we make it hard sometimes!).

Thank you for being you!

Final shout out to the girl I am a mommy to,

my dog Maddy!

She is not just my dog, she is my first child.

Love this little pup to pieces and I don't know

what I would do without her.

Maddy has inspired today's quote:

Happy Mother's Day to all of the 

amazing moms out there!

Maybe next year I will be celebrating with you.

Find arms that will hold you at your weakest.

Today was a day that I was excited for, but also dreaded at the same time.

Today was the day that Keith and I started our first round of testing

to see if we could figure out why this whole baby making thing 

isn't working out too swell for us.

Before heading to the hospital,

I told Keith that I wasn't sure what I wanted my goal

to be for today (I know--such a teacher, right?!).

I felt like I wanted the doctors to find something so that we could 

fix it, solve the problem, and be holding a bundle of joy in no time.

But at the same time, you never want to hear that something is wrong with you...you know?!

Keith was up first today and we will find out his results

in 5 days 

(P.S.--This will be the longest 5 days EVER!).

Next up was yours truly.

The ultrasound was first and showed no problems.

I still couldn't decide if I was happy or sad about this.

Then, came the HSG test.

Ever since I found out I was having this test performed,

I youtubed and googled the heck out of this test.

I wanted to know exactly what to expect from

this oh-so-uncomfortable test.

Everything I read was right!

You know the saying,

"Quick and painless" ?

It's a pretty quick test, but definitely

not painless.

I hope to not have this test again

anytime soon.

Results from this test: everything normal.

Again, happy or sad about this?

After talking with Keith,

we have decided that we are happy with 

our results today.

It's nice to know that

"structurally" 

nothing is wrong so hopefully

whatever is causing our roadblock can be fixed

with a few drugs 

(Clomid anyone?!).

After we got home, I gave Keith a quick

kiss and thanked him for being with me today.

As if I didn't know he was a keeper already,

he then said this,

"Of course. Today was important."

For some reason these quick two

sentences made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

So many times I have felt alone in this journey.

Not for Keith's lack of trying to understand,

it's just different for men and women.

Keith inspired today's quote:

I am truly grateful for my husband.

There have been many days that I thought

he would pack up and leave because my crazy

train was in town.  

He has seen me at my weakest, ugliest, and worst

yet loves me anyway.

We will get through this together.

It just takes time.

Love,

T

When life knocks you down...

When I began this blog,

I always thought that it would be full of

positive events happening in our lives.

I never expected that the terrible

events would show up on here too.

I tried not to post about the devastating events,

hoping that the storm would pass and 

life would be sunshine again soon.

But the storm has not passed,

and I'm not sure when it will.

As I mentioned earlier this week,

December began a much rougher road

for our little family than we ever expected.

On December 8th, I had a miscarriage.

There. I said it.

It's out.

Here it is May 9th,

and I am just now able to talk about it openly 

(without too many tears welling up in my eyes).

.

In the beginning, I didn't want to talk about it.

I was embarrassed. 

I was sad. 

No, no, no...WAY beyond sad.

I felt worthless. I felt unworthy. 

I felt alone.

I felt angry. I felt defeated.

After deciding to take the plunge into parenthood

in the spring of 2012, Keith and I were ecstatic

about what our future held.

Now, all I was left with was a few 

positive pregnancy tests but no pregnancy.

I was angry.

Angry at myself. Angry at the world.

Angry at parents who treat their children

poorly but continue to have more children.

I was angry at everyone who was able to get pregnant

so easily. 

I was angry at people who were already pregnant and were

parading their annoyingly cute

little baby bumps in front of me. 

I was angry at the 9, YES 9!,

women who were pregnant at work.

I was angry at the people who were telling me we were trying too hard.

I was angry at the people who said, "Be patient: your time will come."

I was angry at the people who didn't know what to say to console me,

so they said absurd things that just made me more mad.

Sometimes I just wanted to shout,

"Stop it! You don't know what this is like!"

But, then again, I was angry at people who didn't ask
how I was doing. Didn't they care?
I think I was just angry.

In the past, I would hear about people having

miscarriages, and honestly, I was naive.

I would think,

"Why are they so upset? They didn't even 

get a chance to know that ball of cells."

Karma is a bitch!

Now I get it. Now I understand it.

I hate that it took me going through

this to understand that it's not just a baby

that's being lost.

It's all of your hopes and dreams

fading away so quickly from you

in an instant.

Why bring this all up today?

Well, because tomorrow Keith and I go for 

our first round of testing.

Keith will have one test;

and I will have two:

 an ultrasound and an HSG test.

We never expected for life to take us down this path.

But, here we are.

And this is all I have to say...

Prayers for us tomorrow!

T

Flying Turtles 2013

Today, Keith and 3 of his friends completed the Flying Pig Marathon Relay.

Take a look at our day:

Nothing like a 5 A.M. picture to get you rolling!

As the race was starting,
this beauty was in the sky

The sun was shining for a little while!

Thomas waited with us until Keith showed up

The turtles had lots of supporters!

6.84 miles later, Leonard arrives!

Loved seeing my Delta Gamma sister, Kathy!

I thought of this Delta Gamma sister this morning because

we were in the same corral together last year.

All of a sudden, she appeared right in front of me.

Fate!

Celebrating!

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Reunited

Turtle Power!

The next few pictures are of the fabulous moms who came to support their children!

Moms are their children's biggest cheerleaders!

I look forward to this role as my children's biggest cheerleader

someday too. :)

It was a rainy, cold day--

much different from the 85 degree temperatures

last year when Nicole & I completed the full marathon,

but still a VERY FUN day. :)

So proud of my hubby, his turtle team, and all who participated in Flying Pig events this weekend.