From the outside looking in...

I felt so positive this month.

So positive.

This month was different.

Things were different.

The doctor's appointments were different.

I felt different.

But the day that I feared is here.

Day 1 of my cycle.

What a glorious day it is too--

cute children in cute costumes

coming up to me and asking me

in their cute voices "Trick or Treat."

I want to scream!

In fact, I did.

A lot.

I cried to Keith that I am tired of letting infertility

control our life.

We had a trip planned for the weekend after my 30th

birthday and now we can't go due to doctor's appointments.

I cried that I want to take a break from this.

That this was too much.

I want to take this cycle off so that we didn't have to 

put our travel plans on hold.

I wanted to live,

and right now all I feel like I'm doing is dying inside.

My thoughts are consumed with what day it is 

and what medications I need to take or which

shot to give.

This is no way to live.

I feel like giving up.

I feel defeated.

I feel like no one understands.

I feel alone.

Maybe parenthood is just not in our cards.

My voice of reason (Keith)

calmed me down, though, and talked me through this.

We just started the shots.

Let's not give up just yet.

We would hate to take a break to just 

have to start all over again.

I know he is right,

so I will continue to fight on.

I will try to be brave.

I will try to be strong.

I called the Institute and set up my appointment

for tomorrow at 3:45.

Here we go again....

This is the best way that I can describe this journey that I'm on right now.

And nobody, NOBODY, understands it 

unless you are there.

Thanks to all who try to understand.

I do appreciate your support and prayers.