oh, the places you'll go!

After a fun day cheering on our Cincinnati Reds

and then devouring some delicious Montgomery Inn,

I sit here at my computer with a happy heart
(and a full belly!).

My heart is so happy because I am officially

on summer break! 

Friday was our last day of school until August,

and I couldn't bring on the restful vacation

quick enough.

On Friday, I read Oh, The Places You'll Go!

by Dr. Seuss to my students.

I have probably read this story 339 times before,

but reading it on Friday brought on new meaning for me.

Dr. Seuss definitely knew what he was doing when he

wrote this story because it covers the ups and downs

of life.

If you have not read the story, or maybe haven't read it in awhile,

it starts off, 

"Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!"

I have had so many wonderful and exciting adventures just in my short 29 years of life (yes--I am calling that short!).

From graduating Valedictorian of my high school class,

to joining the best sorority and all of its fun opportunities,

finding and marrying the love of my life,

to graduating from my favorite college, and 

beginning my career doing what I love.

I traveled to so many beautiful places

in my journey along the way.

"You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sights!

You'll join the high fliers

who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest."

I can say that for the most part, I am happy

with my decisions I have made in life.

Of course there were some mistakes along the way,

but mistakes are what teach you lessons, right?

I feel that most of my life has been spent a happy,

optimistic person.

"Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so

but, sadly, it's true

that Bang-ups

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up 

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

is not easily done."

When I read this page, it almost took my breath

away because I realized this page of the 

book is talking about my current situation in life.

At this moment, no matter what successful things

are happening in my life (and I realize there are some)

my whole focus is on the fact that I am failing at becoming

a mother. Keith's tests have come back normal so obviously

the problem is with me.

And if you know me, you know that I am a perfectionist.

I do not, I repeat, do not, like having something wrong

and not being able to fix it.

So here I sit in my slump,

while people daily are announcing pregnancies or talking

about their upcoming pregnancy.

People are moving on with their lives and here I sit.

Waiting.

"You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly their darked.

A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose? How much can you win?...

...You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place..."

Eeks! Did I just say I was sitting here waiting?

Oh no! I did!

I am in the Waiting Place.

The place where I don't know what the next step

is in this whole fertility journey.

What does my future hold?

(Crystal ball where are you?!)

The place where I often feel alone and

where I want to be excited for others when they have fantastic news to share,

but for some reason the light inside

of me is shining a lot less brighter these days.

I do not feel as though I have been an optimal 

wife, friend, daughter, sister, teacher.

This is not the place I want to be.

But how do I get out?

This situation is out of my control.

"No!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places

where Boom Bands are playing."

Was Dr. Seuss reading my brain when he wrote this page?

He's right, somehow I will escape this.

Somehow I will overcome this.

Somehow I will be better than this.

"On and on you will hike.

And I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are."

Yes! Yes, I can do this.

I don't know the reason yet

for being taken down this 

rocky road. But I will

learn a lesson from it,

and I will be stronger for it.

"And will you succeed?

Yes! You, will indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS."

This is the biggest mountain I have

faced so far in my life.

Things have definitely not come easy for me,

but, this obstacle is physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally

putting me to the test

(remember that marathon journey last year--

yeah this is way harder than that!).

I don't know why.

I don't understand why.

I may never know why.

But I MUST overcome this,

and I will.

A best friend

I will start out today by spending some much

needed time talking about my friend

Savannah.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do

without this girl.

The quote above absolutely says it best.

She knows absolutely EVERYTHING

about me (even the TMI information)

and continues to be my friend anyway.

She has been with me for happy times...

She was a bridesmaid in our wedding in 2010

for fun times...

A Bachelorette Party in 2011

for traveling times...

At Gilly's bar in Las Vegas 2012

for butt-kicking times...

San Francisco Nike Women's Half Marathon 2012

...and for my weakest times.

Savannah is constantly calling, texting,

sending cards and gifts to show

her love for me.

Her most recent gift appeared at my door

on May 6, 2013.

I have to admit that this was a rough day

for me because that monthly visitor again

showed up to dash away any hopes

of Keith and I getting pregnant on our own.

From here on out, medical drugs and procedures

will have to be used to make us work. UGH!

So when I walked up my steps and found this

I was extremely excited and couldn't

wait to open my gift the next day.

At 6:30 A.M. on May 7th,

I quickly ran down the stairs

to open this fabulous package.

I was like a kid on Christmas! 

When I first opened the package

I saw this

Happy Half Birthday!

My first thought was to shut

the box because I am in denial

that a certain birthday that starts

with a 3 and ends with a 0 is coming

in November.

But I thought about my wonderful friend,

Savannah, and knew she wouldn't

torment me this way.

So I continued opening the box,

and inside were individually wrapped items.

(Maddy wanted to model them all for you!)

A sweet card from a sweet friend

Date night with alcohol and deli meat!

A blog post she had found about a
woman struggling with fertility

A book about fertility that makes me giggle
 every time I read it!

Daily inspiration

My wish for everyone reading this blog

is that they find a true friend like

Savannah. 

Someone that will always

be there for you, even when you are the 

least lovable.

Savannah, I hope I can be just

as good of a friend to you 

as you are to me!

LITB and more!

My dog is awesome :)

Oh, Mother's Day.

The week day where life

throws in your face that 

motherhood was not in your cards this year.

I remember sitting at our kitchen table last year

while our family was over for Mother's Day,

smiling about the little secret that Keith

and I shared that we would soon be

expanding our family.

My thoughts were consumed with the

idea that next year I would join

the ranks of being honored on Mother's Day.

Never did I imagine that a year later I would be sitting here

with the same wish for next year's Mother's Day.

Depressing, I know.

(You are probably wondering when this blog

will ever turn positive again, right?!)

One day, my faithful followers.

One day.

Today has not been all bad, though

(due in part mostly to the fact that I have

avoided Facebook all day today).

I just didn't think I could handle 

pictures of moms and their toddlers,

pictures of moms with their newborns,

pictures of moms with their baby bumps,

or pictures of sonograms where a new

mom announces her pregnancy

(you all know- or know of -at least one person who

probably announced a pregnancy today!).

Emotionally, physically, mentally-

I just couldn't handle it today.

I do have to give a shout out

to two FABULOUS mothers

that I had the opportunity of spending the 

day with today.

Keith and I are blessed to have two of the

best moms in the world.

They are our biggest cheerleaders,

give us advice, comfort us in times of sorrow,

make us laugh at the crazy things they do,

think about us often,

and love us unconditionally

(even though we make it hard sometimes!).

Thank you for being you!

Final shout out to the girl I am a mommy to,

my dog Maddy!

She is not just my dog, she is my first child.

Love this little pup to pieces and I don't know

what I would do without her.

Maddy has inspired today's quote:

Happy Mother's Day to all of the 

amazing moms out there!

Maybe next year I will be celebrating with you.

Find arms that will hold you at your weakest.

Today was a day that I was excited for, but also dreaded at the same time.

Today was the day that Keith and I started our first round of testing

to see if we could figure out why this whole baby making thing 

isn't working out too swell for us.

Before heading to the hospital,

I told Keith that I wasn't sure what I wanted my goal

to be for today (I know--such a teacher, right?!).

I felt like I wanted the doctors to find something so that we could 

fix it, solve the problem, and be holding a bundle of joy in no time.

But at the same time, you never want to hear that something is wrong with you...you know?!

Keith was up first today and we will find out his results

in 5 days 

(P.S.--This will be the longest 5 days EVER!).

Next up was yours truly.

The ultrasound was first and showed no problems.

I still couldn't decide if I was happy or sad about this.

Then, came the HSG test.

Ever since I found out I was having this test performed,

I youtubed and googled the heck out of this test.

I wanted to know exactly what to expect from

this oh-so-uncomfortable test.

Everything I read was right!

You know the saying,

"Quick and painless" ?

It's a pretty quick test, but definitely

not painless.

I hope to not have this test again

anytime soon.

Results from this test: everything normal.

Again, happy or sad about this?

After talking with Keith,

we have decided that we are happy with 

our results today.

It's nice to know that

"structurally" 

nothing is wrong so hopefully

whatever is causing our roadblock can be fixed

with a few drugs 

(Clomid anyone?!).

After we got home, I gave Keith a quick

kiss and thanked him for being with me today.

As if I didn't know he was a keeper already,

he then said this,

"Of course. Today was important."

For some reason these quick two

sentences made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

So many times I have felt alone in this journey.

Not for Keith's lack of trying to understand,

it's just different for men and women.

Keith inspired today's quote:

I am truly grateful for my husband.

There have been many days that I thought

he would pack up and leave because my crazy

train was in town.  

He has seen me at my weakest, ugliest, and worst

yet loves me anyway.

We will get through this together.

It just takes time.

Love,

T

When life knocks you down...

When I began this blog,

I always thought that it would be full of

positive events happening in our lives.

I never expected that the terrible

events would show up on here too.

I tried not to post about the devastating events,

hoping that the storm would pass and 

life would be sunshine again soon.

But the storm has not passed,

and I'm not sure when it will.

As I mentioned earlier this week,

December began a much rougher road

for our little family than we ever expected.

On December 8th, I had a miscarriage.

There. I said it.

It's out.

Here it is May 9th,

and I am just now able to talk about it openly 

(without too many tears welling up in my eyes).

.

In the beginning, I didn't want to talk about it.

I was embarrassed. 

I was sad. 

No, no, no...WAY beyond sad.

I felt worthless. I felt unworthy. 

I felt alone.

I felt angry. I felt defeated.

After deciding to take the plunge into parenthood

in the spring of 2012, Keith and I were ecstatic

about what our future held.

Now, all I was left with was a few 

positive pregnancy tests but no pregnancy.

I was angry.

Angry at myself. Angry at the world.

Angry at parents who treat their children

poorly but continue to have more children.

I was angry at everyone who was able to get pregnant

so easily. 

I was angry at people who were already pregnant and were

parading their annoyingly cute

little baby bumps in front of me. 

I was angry at the 9, YES 9!,

women who were pregnant at work.

I was angry at the people who were telling me we were trying too hard.

I was angry at the people who said, "Be patient: your time will come."

I was angry at the people who didn't know what to say to console me,

so they said absurd things that just made me more mad.

Sometimes I just wanted to shout,

"Stop it! You don't know what this is like!"

But, then again, I was angry at people who didn't ask
how I was doing. Didn't they care?
I think I was just angry.

In the past, I would hear about people having

miscarriages, and honestly, I was naive.

I would think,

"Why are they so upset? They didn't even 

get a chance to know that ball of cells."

Karma is a bitch!

Now I get it. Now I understand it.

I hate that it took me going through

this to understand that it's not just a baby

that's being lost.

It's all of your hopes and dreams

fading away so quickly from you

in an instant.

Why bring this all up today?

Well, because tomorrow Keith and I go for 

our first round of testing.

Keith will have one test;

and I will have two:

 an ultrasound and an HSG test.

We never expected for life to take us down this path.

But, here we are.

And this is all I have to say...

Prayers for us tomorrow!

T

Flying Turtles 2013

Today, Keith and 3 of his friends completed the Flying Pig Marathon Relay.

Take a look at our day:

Nothing like a 5 A.M. picture to get you rolling!

As the race was starting,
this beauty was in the sky

The sun was shining for a little while!

Thomas waited with us until Keith showed up

The turtles had lots of supporters!

6.84 miles later, Leonard arrives!

Loved seeing my Delta Gamma sister, Kathy!

I thought of this Delta Gamma sister this morning because

we were in the same corral together last year.

All of a sudden, she appeared right in front of me.

Fate!

Celebrating!

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Reunited

Turtle Power!

The next few pictures are of the fabulous moms who came to support their children!

Moms are their children's biggest cheerleaders!

I look forward to this role as my children's biggest cheerleader

someday too. :)

It was a rainy, cold day--

much different from the 85 degree temperatures

last year when Nicole & I completed the full marathon,

but still a VERY FUN day. :)

So proud of my hubby, his turtle team, and all who participated in Flying Pig events this weekend.

Everything is going to be alright...

I am not sure how many friends or family still continue to follow the blog due to my lack of writing lately.

I don't blame all of those who quit checking in; however, if you notice I have updated 

the background from the grey and red "December" snowflakes to a more chic look.

You know when I'm changing my background that I'm ready to write again. :)

Obviously I wrote in December that there was a lot going on in our lives, and I was ready and willing to 

share what was going on. I felt that the worst was behind us and I was confident enough to share what was going on.

Unfortunately, though, my last post was on December 3rd because 

after that point things just got worse. 

I have to say that I have not been my usual positive self due to all of the 

obstacles that have been put on our path.

Sure, I can put on a smile and---well to be frank, B.S. with the best of them--

but inside of me it's a dark, dark, place.

Thankfully I have a loving husband and a few good friends and family members 

who have been my rock.

Shout out to my husband, though, who has seen me at my worst.

I have yelled, cried, shut down, screamed, curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor,

melted down, broke down--

and through it all he has been there.

Thank goodness marriage is "for better or worse"

or that guy would have been gone a looonnnggg time ago!

For the past few months I have been searching for blogs and discussion boards 

that can help me cope with what I am going through.

Unfortunately, I haven't found the perfect one for me yet,

and that's okay.

All of this searching did give me the inspiration to start blogging about our 

journey because, I thought to myself,

"If I'm looking for a story like ours, then why don't I write ours?"

I don't have the time tonight to share everything going on, 

but over the next few months I plan to blog about this incredible

journey we are on.  

You may read the good, the bad, the ugly

but my hope is that not only will writing the story be an outlet for me

to help me cope with what has been going on,

but it may just help someone else too.

I end tonight with this...

All my love,

T