From the outside looking in...

I felt so positive this month.

So positive.

This month was different.

Things were different.

The doctor's appointments were different.

I felt different.

But the day that I feared is here.

Day 1 of my cycle.

What a glorious day it is too--

cute children in cute costumes

coming up to me and asking me

in their cute voices "Trick or Treat."

I want to scream!

In fact, I did.

A lot.

I cried to Keith that I am tired of letting infertility

control our life.

We had a trip planned for the weekend after my 30th

birthday and now we can't go due to doctor's appointments.

I cried that I want to take a break from this.

That this was too much.

I want to take this cycle off so that we didn't have to 

put our travel plans on hold.

I wanted to live,

and right now all I feel like I'm doing is dying inside.

My thoughts are consumed with what day it is 

and what medications I need to take or which

shot to give.

This is no way to live.

I feel like giving up.

I feel defeated.

I feel like no one understands.

I feel alone.

Maybe parenthood is just not in our cards.

My voice of reason (Keith)

calmed me down, though, and talked me through this.

We just started the shots.

Let's not give up just yet.

We would hate to take a break to just 

have to start all over again.

I know he is right,

so I will continue to fight on.

I will try to be brave.

I will try to be strong.

I called the Institute and set up my appointment

for tomorrow at 3:45.

Here we go again....

This is the best way that I can describe this journey that I'm on right now.

And nobody, NOBODY, understands it 

unless you are there.

Thanks to all who try to understand.

I do appreciate your support and prayers.

1st Annual Chili Cook Off

As many of you know,

our family and friends like to get 

together every Sunday.

Today, 

Keith and I are hosting,

 and we decided to

start something that we think will be 

a lot of fun throughout the years.

We decided that the Sunday before Halloween

every year will be our annual chili cook off day!

Our friends and family really got into it;

complete with trash talking and all!

There were so many delicious chilis available today,

but there could only be one winner.

Congratulations to Jason!

He won a Target gift card. :)

He also filled us in that this was his first time

ever making chili!

Wow!

Alright chili cookers,

you have 364 days to perfect your

chili for next year!

Go!

No one told me about infertility.

I found this video tonight as I was perusing

"infertility hope"

on Pinterest
(yes, you can really search this!)

Cried through the whole dang thing.

Grab your tissues and don't say I didn't

warn you....

So many reasons to love today!

I must say that I am stoked about today for sooo many reasons.

1. It's a Friday and I am off from work due to our doctor's appointment today.

I looooveee 3 day weekends! The only thing better is a 4 day weekend. Or 5. Or 6.

You get my point.

2. It is an absolutely gorgeous day here in Cincinnati!

3. Today is the 18th, my favorite number. It sounds like a pretty good day to make a baby.

4. I have this bag of goodies from Natalie at work who

thought I could use some things to help me relax.

Loving everything about today!

Wish us luck!

Lots of good news today!

This afternoon I had my day 10 ultrasound

to see if my follicles are responding to the injections.

I must admit I was a little nervous going into this appointment.

I had heard that with the injectable shots, a woman's body

can produce too many follicles and then the cycle has to

be canceled due to the high risk of too many multiple births.

No one dreams of being octomom, you know.

When I was on the femara, my body

would produce 2-3 follicles a month

(doctor's want anywhere from 1-3 follicles).

What if adding the injectable shots to the mix

made my ovaries go into over drive?!

Dr. S was my doctor today.

He first checked out the right side.

I had a follicle at 17 mm.

Now, let me tell you if I haven't told you before,

ever since I have been getting ultrasounds to monitor

my follicles since June,

my left side has ALWAYS been the dominate side.

The left side always produced bigger and more plentiful

follicles. I don't know why. That's just the way it is.

So I thought, "Wow! If the right side is 17mm,

I can't wait to see what the left side looks like!"

Dr. S went to the left side and surprisingly

there were 2 follicles, but they were much smaller

in size than the right side.

I was ecstatic!

Way to go right side!

Maybe the right side has all of the good eggs!

This month is different than all the months prior

and I am feeling more hopeful than ever!

I left there with instructions to do the Ovidrel trigger shot

on Wednesday, and the IUI is scheduled for Friday.

How perfect is that?!

Hellloooo 3 day weekend!

This is THE month.

I know it!

After I left the doctor,

I met my family at Chili Time to celebrate this guy:

That's right! Opa turns 79 today!

There are no words to describe how much

this man means to me!

All I can say is that he is truly a hero.

I wasn't able to snag a picture with him at the restaurant,

but I did get in a quick picture with 2 of my favorite girls.

After dinner, we all huddled together 

to cheer Jaida on at her cold and windy soccer game.

She once again entertained us with her 

cute, little ways.

Such a fabulous day and we're 

ready for more up ahead!

It's a disease.

I found this on pinterest and immediately loved it:

This summer I read The Fast Track To Fertility,

written by my current doctors.

In the book, there is a chapter about how 

to deal with people who do not understand

what us "less fertiles" are going through.

It stated, "Telling someone with infertility to just relax and see what will happen

is like telling someone who is having a heart attack to just

sit back and not seek medical attention."

I am trying to understand that many people do not know the daily struggles

that I go through mentally,emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I try to smile through the insensitivity of it all,

but this feeling of loneliness is enough to drive a girl crazy.

God must have heard my prayers because when I was at 

the doctor's office in September, there was a flyer

for a "Ladies Night In."

Yoga, a light dinner, and a peer support group were all being provided 

FREE of cost!

FREE?!

Sign me up!

(Why can't everything here be free?!?!)

Tonight was our first meeting.

The yoga class was so relaxing that I almost

fell asleep during the relaxation technique 

portion of the class.

Afterwards we were provided with "light dinner",

but I must say that this was the best light dinner

I have ever had.

Panera was catered and we had soups, sandwiches, salads,

chips, pastas, and desserts.

I surely did not leave this outing hungry!

While people were eating, we went around

and introduced ourselves.

While I sat and listened to these stories,

I was in awe.

This room was full of strong, brave, fighting women.

Women who had tragic stories to tell,

but continue to find hope in each new day.

Women who have spent dollar after dollar

chasing their dream, to still end up with empty arms.

Our stories may have all been different,

but we did have some common threads:

Even though people view us as strong and brave, we don't feel that way.

 We feel weak and vulnerable.

We cry. ALOT.

None of us knows where our paths will take us

on this incredible journey.

And while it doesn't make the journey any easier,

meeting these women has made the journey a little less lonely.

Scary, and it isn't even Halloween yet.

Today, unfortunately, is day 3 of my cycle.

I didn't even cry this month as my monthly visitor

made her way back into my life.

I somehow feel like I am becoming desensitized from the whole situation.

Yesterday, I was able to speak with IRH

and told them that I want to be more aggressive with my treatment.

The poor nurse didn't know who she had on her hands today!

A sad, frustrated woman who is tired of doing the same old thing

each cycle, that's who.

The nurse said that if I want to be more aggressive the doctor will

probably have me do an HSG test.

I reminded her that I had that done in May.

She then said that the doc will probably 

start me on Clomid.

I then reminded her that I already was on that for 3 months.

I guess she could sense my frustration so she said,

"Come in tomorrow for a Day 3 scan and we'll go from there."

Thank you.

That's what I was wanting to hear!

I am continuously thankful for

my fighting spirit and that I don't take no for an answer.

The Day 3 scan went well.

I didn't have any follicles left over from my

previous cycle that were still stimulated,

so I was clear to begin a more aggressive 

approach.

This cycle I will do Femara days 3-7 of my cycle,

then Follistim shots in my stomach days 7-10.

I will go back in on Day 10 of my cycle (Oct. 15th)

to see when I will need to do the Ovidrel shot

and my next IUI.

So that's where we stand for now.

Another month with a hopeful heart.

I saw this and it made me giggle...

Let's hope Keith doesn't want to kill me by the end of all of this!

Wish us luck!

Parties, parties, everywhere!

Tonight we had two very important parties to attend.

The first party was for our beautiful niece Lily.

She turned 8 today!

We all celebrated by going to Chuck E. Cheese,

playing games, eating pizza,

watching Lil open up her presents,

and eating cake.

Speaking of cake,

check this cake out:

Happy birthday, Lily! We love you!

After we left this party,

we drove to our friends, 

Meghan and Mike's,

house warming party.

Meghan and Mike have been living

in their house since April,

(I remember this because this is the 

first year Meghan has missed Reds 

Opening Day in a loonnnnnggg time!)

and finally felt settled enough to invite everyone over.

Their new house is gorgeous, folks!

My favorite area had to be the breakfast nook

at the back of the house where all of the sun

shines through in the morning.

What a fun Saturday night spent with 

family and friends!

Teaching isn't easy.

I will say it again,

TEACHING . ISN'T. EASY.

It's a completely different world than when we grew up.

Students are not growing up with 

Full House and Family Matters like I did,

or Leave It To Beaver like the generation

before me.

The kids now are growing up watching violent

movies and video games.

They are coming to school angry.

Angrier than many adults I have seen

in my life.

Today this happened.

I hope and pray that the little student who did 

this gets the help they need.

Teaching isn't easy.

Little Soccer Star

Today, we went to Jaida's 2nd soccer game of the season.

She is such a cute little soccer player...

I can honestly say I don't think I was 

ever as cute as she is!

Here are some pics that I stole from Johnny :)

Thanks Johnny!

She even played a little bit of goalie tonight and made a save!

Woohoo!

She also was super cute as she kept running over to Nicole 

wanting to give her hugs. :)

Oh, the innocence!

At school today I was allowed to wear my favorite Reds long sleeve 

 in hopes that our Redlegs

win the Wild Card Game tonight.

Everyone raced off of the soccer fields to get home

to watch the game.

Great game Jaida, now...

 Let's go Reds!