Faith in His timing

Today, with much dismay,

I must report that my monthly 

visitor made her appearance.

I was very hopeful this month

after having the HSG test on May 10th that

this cycle would end with me dancing 

around the room with a positive pee stick in hand.

I have read many websites where mothers

have posted that they were very 

successful getting pregnant after the

HSG test because it "clears" you out.

Unfortunately, this was not the case with me.

I found this quote and found it appropriate:

I have read the above quote

over and over.

And over and over.

And over and over.

I have ALWAYS been a firm believer

 that everything happens for a reason,

and that God has perfect timing for each person

and situation in your life.

I am usually able to say,

"Oh that's why this happened

because this was supposed to happen."

It may not always happen right away,

but I can usually find the silver lining.

With the struggle that Keith and I have been through this year,

each month I would once again try to find the 

silver lining and think,
"Oh, I didn't want an August baby anyway because it's back to school time"

or

"A baby born around (insert holiday here) 

would be hard."

I have to admit, though,

after 16 cycles in 13 months,

it's getting pretty darn difficult to find a silver lining.

I hate to admit it,

but there have been many

times through this journey that 

I have questioned my faith.

I have questioned so many times

why some people get pregnant so easily,

but can't afford the time or the money for another child.

I have questioned why so many people

have unwanted pregnancies,

but the people who want a pregnancy most

in the world, can't have it.

I have questioned why bad things happen to good people.

These are the times that I find it difficult to pray,

but then realize that this is when I need to pray the hardest.

I need to pray for myself that I can be strong enough to live this life I have graciously been given.

I need to pray for my husband who is going through this journey as well and no one asks him how he's coping

(not that he'll give you much of an answer if you ask because Keith is a man of few words).

I need to pray for my family who is wishing for a precious baby just as much as we are.

I need to pray for my friends that they bear with me through

my socially withdrawn stage.

I need to pray for my future little baby that one day he or she will know how much we loved and adored him/her, even before they were born.

Where do we go from here?

The doctor has prescribed me Clomid.

I will take this from day 3 through 7 of my cycle.

I will go for an ultrasound on June 10th to see if I

am ovulating.

As much as I am happy about a doctor who is 

moving us in the right direction,

I am saddened by the idea that Keith

and I need help with this endeavor.

Anyone who has known me long enough

knows that I do not like to ask for help.

There is something about the magic 

of getting pregnant without trying or

help that I feel that I'm missing out on.

But I must keep the end in sight;

when I am holding that beautiful little baby,

the journey will be but a distant memory.